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(no subject)

Nov. 1st, 2012 | 08:44 pm

I don't know when I allowed myself to disconnect from this change. Did it happen slowly? Was it something that I should have seen coming all along? I am unaffected until cold, wintery nights when the roads are sheer ice and I can feel my heart beating fast in my chest. I am in a blue Jeep. Pop music is quietly playing, I can barely hear it but can still mumble along to the words if I tried hard enough. I gasp under my breath when your tires skid, you laugh like it's unbelievable for me to think something bad could happen. It wouldn't. Not with you. Knock on wood. But it's different. Different with you. Not in a bad way, in a comfortable way that I love. You know me the best but you don't acknowledge it. You are patient. New. Something that I am not used too.

I tip toe through my tricky past, and try to string together sentences to make you understand, where I have been and where I am coming from. When my brother calls my mom a cunt. When I cry to the phone to my dad.

Family. I understand the word, but don't know how to feel the warmth.

I am walking through a swarm of people that is your family and their faces are all blurring together, and your grandma wraps her tiny arms around me and tells me that I am a nice girl and that I am always welcome. I feel like I have changed. Your mom tells me she loves me. I believe her. She remembers I don't like butter on my toast, and always stocks her fridge with my favorite kind of pop for the weekend.

Friends. I understand the word, but where the fuck did they go?

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(no subject)

Aug. 3rd, 2012 | 11:14 pm

I have been living with Tyler for three months now, I have also not smoked in three months (to the day!) I got a promotion to an Office Coordinator at my job, and I am going to do my CAIB classes in May. Might as well, right? I get to actually hire people, and do reviews and have actual responsibilities at my job now and it is REALLY FUCKING WEIRD.

Everything is going pretty good, but we have decided to find a place of our own. We gave our notice to the other roomates and now we desperately need to find a place for September 1st. It is literally all I have been thinking about and I have become such a Kijiji addict that I do not even know what to do with myself.

BUT! Tonight, we looked at a place that is just a few blocks from our current house and it is FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. The basement has wooden and rock panelling and their is a little breakfast nook that looks like you are eating in a restaurant, and it completely furnished and has the most ridiculous amount of storage and closet space ever, and words can.not.express how BADLY I want it! It is so much nicer than anything else that we have been looking for.

I mean, so nice that it coerced me into writing a blog about it with a towel on my head on a Friday night, when I probably haven't even written in here or at least three months. SO, send your good vibes my way.

Also, music suggestions. Because, fuck.

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(no subject)

May. 6th, 2012 | 10:04 pm

I live with my boyfriend.

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(no subject)

Mar. 31st, 2012 | 03:54 pm

So, it is official. I am moving in with Tyler on May 1st.

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(no subject)

Jan. 28th, 2012 | 07:58 pm

too lazy for friendship.

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(no subject)

Dec. 17th, 2011 | 07:17 pm

I finished my course at Saskatoon Business College yesterday.

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(no subject)

Nov. 14th, 2011 | 07:59 pm

fuck my life.

i failed my first college course.

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(no subject)

Nov. 1st, 2011 | 01:18 pm

I have two months left of business college. I get my marks from the previous month in the middle of November. I was in a class called PEP (Proofreading, Editing and Production.) You would go into a classroom every day and were given two or three documents (reports, memos, letters.) that you had to proofread using the correct proofreading marks, and type the letters out and have them printed off. The only catch was there was a timer going in the front of the class for 30 minutes, if you made even one mistake or missed a comma you would get a giant red line through your whole paper and you never recieved any marks for it. I wrote the final at the end of October and I am absolutely terrified that I didn’t do well, which will result in an ADDITIONAL two months of school if I fail. (Pray for me, seriously.)

My schedule this month kind of sucks. I had a class from 8:45-9:45, then an hour to kill before my next class that is also an hour, followed by a two hour lunch and then a class from 2:00-3:00. It’s only the first day and I am already sick of it and writing shitty blogs about stuff that none of you probably care about.

I’m bored. Deal with me.

Life has been really good lately. I am happy. I met a boy. It feels different, it’s good. But, in a predictable fashion, I can’t find the words to describe my own happiness. Mostly, I just want to lay in bed and watch terrible vampire dramas with him and cuddle and kiss, always.

Halloweekend treated me well. On Friday night, I went on a pubcrawl with all of my friends and my friend Kelly and I painted our faces like sugar skulls and wore a lot of lace. We made it to three bars, and I snuck a 1L of blue vex on the bus and got drunker than I should have. My boyfriend came and picked me up and we went and played “Never Have I Ever” with his friends and stopped for taquitos on the way home.

Saturday, we stayed in bed all day. I couldn’t find the motivation to do anything besides eat terrible poutine and watch even worse TV shows. When I finally decided to do something with myself, we ended up in the back of a truck headed to Warman with red party cups full of cherry rum and sprite. We went to a get together where I felt really young surrounded by married couples and marveled in the heated bathroom floors. We laughed and laughed and laughed, and snuck kisses on my smoke break in the freezing October air and in the back of the truck on the way home.

Sunday, I probably ate the best brunch that I have ever had to date and we collapsed in my bed and watched episodes of Vampire Diaries. I got a text from my friend, Ashley, at 11PM letting me know that we didn’t have school on Monday. I went to bed early regardless.

Monday, was my day off and I was growing anxious from spending so much time at home and feeling like I hadn’t really accomplished anything. I washed all of my bedding and caught up on my laundry and diary entries (that I have been neglecting!) and went to Old Navy and bought a warm sweater in preparation for the long Saskatchewan winter. I ate spaghtetti dinner with my mom and spent some quality time with my best friend, Ash, in the evening before Tyler came over again. We watched Dream House which was only okay and couldn’t fall asleep til after 2 o’clock in the morning.

I’m not complaining.


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a boyfriend

Oct. 17th, 2011 | 01:04 pm

I've been spending a lot of time with a boy named Tyler. On Saturday morning he was out of town for work, and I was at work too. After work, I was drinking with Ash and Albert and Tyrone and Albert, which turned out to be a really good night. Attic dancing, and chain smoking cigarettes and laughing with copious amounts of drinks, I pulled my ham strings from doing the center splits, and danced so hard at the Hose. Tyler was supposed to meet us, but he got distracted, and he asked if he should still come and meet me, but, a girl was trying to pick him up and stole his phone away and wouldn't give it back. I waited and waited, but eventually left the bar and went and got a hot dog. When he finally got a hold of me, I was mad and when he told me about what had happened, jealous. He came and got me at Ash's house, Kelly and I were eating hot dogs, and I was so, so drunk. He asked if I was dissapointed, I said, "yes." than I said, "I don't even know what we are doing." and he looked at me, from behind the steering wheel, and said, "I know this isn't the best time to ask..." but, "Do you want to be my girlfriend?" I said yes to that as well. So, we cuddled and talked all night, in a mess of limbs and blankets. We woke up and had breakfast with my friends, and I am happy.

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(no subject)

Oct. 12th, 2011 | 01:53 pm

I am still alive.

There hasn't really been much going on with me, stickin' to the daily grind of business college and working at the tall girl shop downtown. It gets exhausting, I feel like there is never going to be a moment in my life when I am actually caught up on my sleep. Sleep when you're dead?

In the last little while: My best friend came home from England baring gifts of Lucky Strikes and Banksy calendars, I have drank a lot of long island iced teas, spent a lot of time alone, bought my first pair of khaki colored pants, went for lunch with somebody that I literally only knew from twitter (and had fun!), threatened to fight somebody at a party...for the first time in my life, cried on the bathroom floor, heard the words "Savannah, I don't want to date you." (which seemed SO DUMB! because I didn't want to date him either? my emotions just got the best of me) drank $6 doubles at Scratch and blacked out completely but danced the whole night away and somehow made it "home" to cry in a friend's bed, spitting out the words, "I don't want to do this anymore", cried during 50/50 in the theater with a sweaty palm in mine, shook my head at how bad straw dogs was, laughed at Our Idiot Brother, spent two entire Sundays in bed, spent three Saturdays in a row at COUNTRY BARS, watched so many episodes of Vampire Diaries that I am embarassed to admit it, survived a big fight that I had with my best girl, met a boy that wants to spend time with me and hold my hand and kiss my neck and get drunk and talk and watch tv and eat candy corn in bed and cuddle me while i fall asleep, and my mom calls him a "keeper", starved myself to eat TWO seperate turkey dinners, got a 96 percent on my Simply Accounting final, just barely passed my Records Management final, built spaghetti and marshmellow towers with my co-workers at the worst staff meeting I ever had to attend, got a 50 cent raise!, moved my TV into my bedroom, got a UTI, made out on my mom's couch, hiked up and down the hills and through the trees of "Mexico", put so many kilometers on my car, mailed out mix cds, cleaned my closet, i have kept an ACTUAL diary for 3 months straight (writing every single day.) and I don't know how to fill in the blanks for the internet.

just know that i am happy, ok?
for now at least

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